The Colby Echo

Issue date: 4/29/09 Section: Sports

Media Credit: nick cunkelman

This Saturday I was kicking it at Rumney Rocks. When I pulled into the parking lot, I wanted to puke, punch a goat and take off my pants. The first two on that list were caused by my extreme aggravation, which was caused by extreme crowds. The last bit, about taking off my pants, was because it was HAB (Hot as b--) and I needed to change into my shorts.

Anyway, the day was not going well. My climbing partner and I had planned on climbing a mega-long route on Cannon Cliff, then doing some mega climbing at Rumney and then we were going to do some mega spectating because some guy was putting up a first ascent.

Despite the brilliant forecast, we woke up to rain at Cannon. We slept in and made our way to Rumney, as lazy as lizards (or Cheech Marin) baking in the sun. When we finally got to Rumney, I parked Mom's mini-van in a ditch because all of the parking spaces were occupied by the type of people that make you want to 1) puke and 2) punch a goat.

When we finally packed our bags and hiked to the cliff, some kid-probably named Jack Awph-was screaming his way up a somewhat difficult climb, or "project." He finished ("sent") his proj and came down to the ground, which somehow gave homeboy an extreme sense of entitlement. He walked around telling everyone that he was "so happy" and he repeated the phrases "One project down! What's next!" and "I work outside! I don't need sun-screen, I'm gunna get burned sometime. I work outside!"

We left that cliff so we could climb another. At the second cliff a man with heavily tattooed calves was climbing one of the hardest routes in the Northeast. Inspired to climb well, and to never get ink, we dropped our bags and starting suiting up for another bout of good ol' American rock climbing. As soon as we were ready to go, when Dipshit McPhuckertaign showed up telling everything with ears how happy we was because he sent his project. What's next!? Us leaving.

It was hot and sweaty while we hiked to the most obscure section of life you've never scene. At Obscure Crag (probably named Rock Wall#25b in China), a local climber Rudy was vying for a first-ascent. This guy is rad. I would say he is a MOG, but technically he is a Pocket-MOG (a Man Of Girth, under the height of 5'8", and no, I am not making this up!).

A local photographer, Anney Rowe, was dangling from a rope to capture the action. Later that day, and a couple of beers deep, she put Brady's MOG status into perspective. "I mean you look at him," she said between swills, "and you're like 'Holy Crap, Man!' How does that guy even get off the ground, much less climb wicked hard shit?"

Well, it's my job to tell you how he got off the ground. What it all comes down to, or perhaps "up to," is grabbing the next hold and keep moving. Best off all, when Rudy finished the climb, he didn't tell everyone how happy he was. He only asked where his cooler of "soda" was.

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